Lately

Lately i dont know what's going on. Ive been getting rid of a lot of dead weight. People i used to want to be there forever now seem more like liabilities. Ive been less accommodating with things i used to put up with. Once i see someones purpose is to turn me into their doormat i show THEM the door. I might be wrong, but i feel like deserve ALOT better than some of what i accept. So i stopped accepting it. And When i tell you saying "No" feels good? It might be my new favorite word. People will take advantage of everything if you let them. ESPECIALLY your time and energy. So i gave stopped letting them. They may not be happy but i sure am. And nothing outside of my little one means more than that. Ive also become a bit more forgiving. Ive forgiven some people who've REALLY hurt me because not doing so only hurts me further. Some out loud, others silently but forgiven nonetheless. Even those i know will do it again. Not saying I've become mother Theresa and everyone is my friend, but i no longer have the time to hold grudges. People will ALWAYS fuck up. Myself included. But if others can understand that and forgive me, then i should be able to do the same. I understand that its a process. Not everything will happen overnight. But at the same time its up to me how long i allow things to negatively affect me. I mask how i feel very well to where some people wont even know something is wrong. But to those who actually know the real me, that mask doesn't fool them for a second. Im working on me to be able to not need a mask. Where i can show an emotion and it'll be one that i FEEL not just one i want people to see. Im nowhere close to where i want to be but i know i can get there. And if i can believe that honestly, as much as i doubt everything i do, then i know it can happen. Im a work in progress wont be finished anytime soon. But I'm ok with that because i know what i CAN and WILL be when I'm done.

Put Yourself In My Place

Put yourself in my place. From day one youve wanted nothing but to make someone else happy. Show someone that not everyone is the same. Make them understand that their past doesnt affect your future with them. When they're at a their lowest you try your best to bring them back up, even when you cant do it for yourself. Their bad days become a priority because you want to see them with a constant smile on their face even when you can find one to put on yours. Your first thought waking up and last one going to sleep is them. How they make you feel. How nothing else matters when they're around because their presence alone changes your mood. Just seeing their face, hearing their voice, even a picture of them brightens your whole day. People tell you that they see a glow around you and they've never seen you so happy given all you've dealt with past and present. You try to be there for them so they dont have to fight their demons alone even though you battle your own demons in silence everyday and you never complain. Now imagine they leave and come back and you notice something about them has changed. Their moods are less pleasant. They spend less time around you and always have an excuse as to why. They always seem to be in a rush to be somewhere, anywhere but with you. You think, maybe they're getting bored. You suggest things you guys could do together, simple things. But its always they're  either too busy or "not in the mood". Yet when it comes to anything that doesnt have to do with you suddenly their schedule magically frees up. They're constantly up late at night but as much as you try to be there for them they shut you out telling you that its a personal issue that only they can deal with. You tell them that they don't have to deal with it alone because they shouldn't have to and you'll always be there for them. That just seems to make them shut you out even further. Time passes and they're becoming a complete stranger and telling you that its all in your head. With more time you see them less because something more important is occupying their time. You start to notice things that don't sit right with you but when you bring it up, they tell you that its not what it seems to pacify you and make you feel as if you're crazy. You start to find things and even with physical evidence in their face they still look you in yours and show how little respect they have for you by looking you in the eye and lying to you. You get fed up. You become so consumed with anger that you cant stand to see their face and you tell them you want nothing else to do with them. But as always, you forgive them. Because as much as they hurt you you still love and care for them. You're hurting because of them but still cant stand to see them hurting. You leave, but something brings you back. You think, maybe we can work things out. Everything is out in the open right? So you thought. They decide to finally tell you the truth about why they've been so distant. Why they have time for everything but you. Why they shut you out when you wanted to be there for them. But its not because they felt it was the right thing to do. Its because all those nights they couldn't sleep, all those days they couldn't shake their bad mood were caused by their conscience eating away at them. So they think "well maybe i should tell you now because its bothering me too much". Not understanding that their admission is only for their piece of mind. It will only help them feel better and help them sleep at night. They don't understand that everything they've said and done just opens up old wounds as well as new ones. All their lies all the secrets all the games they've played with you. They hurt more because you trusted them. They let you believe lies because their selfishness rather have you in their life broken than happy without you. They either don't understand or don't care that all they're doing is hurting you to make themselves feel better again. They don't know WHAT they want. All that matters at the end of the day is them. And the sad thing is, you've become so attached that whether you stay or leave is going to tear you apart. You're hurting and broken and don't know what to do. You become a stranger to yourself as well as to everyone around you. You don't know what to do who to turn to until eventually you just shut down and become a shell of yourself. A zombie walking around hopeless and lost. After you've put yourself in my place, what do you do? Where do you go from here? By actually thinking about how your actions will affect someone else and not just thinking about yourself, what choice do you make?

Public Letter

   Dear Bomb Dick, 

Stop ruining my life.

Sincerely,

Women everywhere