It's Not Always About You

A lot of people are selfish without even knowing. Especially when it comes to the struggles of others. Take the "friends and family" of suicidal and depressed people. These people are struggling to even make it through the day. Constantly told how sad someone would be or how disappointed if they took they their life. What others around them fail to understand is that its not about how YOU would feel if they were gone, but how they feel and have been feel ing why they see death as their only resort. These people fight countless demons daily and some day are harder than others. They don't pull away and seclude themselves for attention, they do it so they can focus on themselves and quiet the thoughts tormenting them. So for you to tell them that they "cant" do what they need to do because YOU need is really just you saying that what THEY need for peace within themselves is far less important that what you want for your selfish sense of peace. Sure, you may feel like you've lost them, but at the same time, they've gained something they just couldn't feel while they were alive; a sense of relief. And before you even start, you can miss me with whole "if you commit suicide you're going to hell" bullshit. All that is is more guilt trip tactics to keep people here for the benefit of others against their will. Maybe suicide isn't the answer for EVER problem but for most people it was a last resort, not the first. They exhausted all their other "options" and felt there was nothing else they could possibly do. Sometimes counseling isn't enough. Talking to friends or family isn't enough. Medication isn't enough. Sometimes NOTHING at all feels like enough and they don't think there's anything else they can do. But to guilt them into feeling worse than they already do because YOU Cant handle losing them is the most self centered shit you can do. Im not saying act like you dont care because "they're just gonna do it anyway"; I'm actually saying the opposite. SHOW them That you care and you'll be there for them until the end no matter when it comes. Suicidal or not it still feels good to KNOW the people who say they care actually do care. I'm not saying this as someone who feels they know everything about everything, but as someone who's deals w depression and has been suicidal before, i'm only speaking from my point of view. 

He Could Have Been You

He could have been you. Profiled for things you cant control. Harassed and attacked because your skin color differs from that of your attacker. Bleeding out in the street for hours with no one to help after you'd been shot like a wild animal. Your killer being protected; shielded and awarded for taking an innocent life. Your mother and father grieving because your life was unfairly taken. Your friends and family being terrorized for demanding justice for you. Your name being dragged through the mud as a violent criminal as you laid on a medical examiners table not given a judge or a jury but an execution. You could be the young man who would never get to graduate college. Never get to build a family of your own. Never get to live out your purpose because those sworn to protect and serve would rather commit crimes against and hide instead of apologizing for their wrongs and trying to do right. You could have been the one to have your life ended before it even began. And now tell me: would you want the same thing done to you? Would you want people across your country to degrade your life and justify your death? Would you want the city you grew up in to be turned into a war zone? Your local and state police to fire tear gas and bullets on your friends family and strangers who came together peacefully to protest the loss of your uncompleted life? Arrested because they want police to do the right thing and turn in the man who unjustly murdered you in cold blood? Or would you want the right thing done? For justice to be served and your murderer to have his day in court? For all those peaceful protests and rallies to not have been in vain? Think carefully. Because he just as easily could have been you.

Curtain Call

Her mask is fading .. The one she used to hide a broken heart, broken spirit, a broken life .. 

Her will is waning .. She feels she'd be better off if she just stopped being so strong ..

On her the little girl is depends .. But she feels is has to end .. So she can give her the type of life that she deserves .. 

Its not like she didn't try to live a normal life .. But it cut her like a knife .. When those she trusted enough to let in, just walked in and right back out ..

For years she tried to keep it together .. But she knew she couldn't go on forever .. So many broken pieces she no longer had the strength to mend ..

 Multiple painkillers to ease the hurt .. Alcohol to quell the pain .. Sleeping pill and muscle relaxers; she watched it all go down the drain .. And she couldn't care ..

The only thing that kept her going this long couldn't keep her anymore .. Tired of having to be so strong .. Soon she'll be gone ..... 

When Cymbalta Cant Help

 Depression is tiring as fuck. You literally want to do nothing but stay in bed all day and sleep because you feel being awake sucks so badly. You wont wanna eat be social or even go outside. The façade you were able to put on for so long that you're "ok" now shows itself faulty. You pull away from everything you care about. Things you once cared about no longer matter. Nothing seems to matter. Its not just a few minutes or even days. No, this feeling lasts months. Years even. It may not seem like its there to others because some days you can fake it. Some days you can smile. And no one will know that inside all off you is falling apart. Its not just in your mind either. Nope. You feel it in your body. You ache. You're sore. You feel like you have no outlet. You're tired for no reason and when you're awake you cry until you fall back asleep. You'll ask why you then wonder why you're asking as if anyone is even listening or cares. You feel no one does. You sink deeper into yourself. Everything you try to keep to yourself starts to show on the outside. Your skin gets bad. You hair falls out. You lose weight faster than any diet imaginable. Your "friends" fade because they feel you're flaking on them when in reality you dont know how to explain whats going on. Your family whispers amongst themselves how you're "just acting out for attention" not stopping to think that if they paid more attention to their interactions with you they might understand you better. People you care for start to drift away because they "cant deal". Pretty much the time when you need someone to be there for you the most, everyone's gone. So you sink. You retract within yourself til theres only a shell of what used to be. You pull so deep inside that its possible nothing can pull you out. Darkness and lonliness becomes your friend because at the end of your tunnel nothing is there to help you see a light. 

Mind Games

Touch me without lifting a finger ..

Seduce my mind and make me crave you without having ever felt a single caress .. 

Let just the thought of you be enough to drive me insane ..

I want to feel you in my thoughts; fill my memory with you ..

Leave me breathless .. Restless .. 

Distraught at the thought of your absence from my presence ..

And when i finally do feel you .. I want to release the passion and emotion that has built up ..  

I have waited ever so patiently to immerse you in all that i have had bottled up.. Simmering silently.. Marinating .. Waiting to physically manifest your mental stimulation .....

Help Me To Trust You

Help me to trust you. Help me to realize that when you show me you care its not to use it against me later on, but to let me know that not everyone is out to use me. Help me to stop hoping you'll mess up so my mental self-sabotaging will be justified. Help me to understand not everyone has an ulterior motive. Help me to allow you to continue to make me happy without me getting in my own way. Im scared. Skittish. The thought of caring again terrifies me. Help me overcome that fear. Help me get out of my head because thats where all my doubts are. The lightning storm is raging in there just help me to calm my mind. Help me to not overthink your actions just because the last time i didn't overthink things went wrong. Help me to become the person i want to be for you. The person you need me to be for you. Someone you can depend on to be there for you and make things better on those days when things just wont go right. Someone who'll always have your back and be your biggest cheerleader. Someone who trusts you. Im trying not to hold other peoples mistakes against you because what they've done shouldn't affect you. Im trying to give you a fair chance its just my judgement is a little cloudy. I may not be doing the best job at the moment but I'm making a conscious effort because i think you deserve it. I just need you to help me.

-Ash

A Fair First Chance

Life is so much easier once you move your pride out of the way. Its really just a blinder to keep you from seeing what you COULD have if you just let go. Accept the fact that just maybe somebody might want to be there for you. Let them. Give them the chance to show you what their intentions are instead of wrongly assigning intentions to them. Give people the opportunity to care for and about you. It may be a new concept. It might just scare the hell out of you because its never been done before. Doesn't matter. Let them help you put your guard down. Let them be there when you're stressing. Let them show you that you matter and they want you to be happy. Let them make you happy! Stop letting YOU stop you from being happy. I mean, whats is so wrong with someones actions and words finally adding up? You really about to let your past disappointments and upsets disrupt the connection they're trying to build with you? Instead of stressing over what happened the last time you gave someone a second chance, how about you let someone who's trying to be there for YOU flourish with their first?

It's Possible

They say that whats meant to be is supposed to be

But what if it just isn't meant to be for me?

What if its not meant to be something more?

What if its meant to stay behind that door?

Isn't it possible that we could have this thing all wrong?

Couldn't it be true that what we want WASNT here all along?

Why does it seem like there's not even a tiny chance

That things aren't supposed to go any further than where they stand?

Maybe where we are now is as far as it should go

Maybe all we know now is all we're supposed to know

We might actually be at the end of the line

But then again maybe I'm just overusing my mind....