Labeled

In a country so rich in history and so culturally diverse, its sad that the things i can't control seem like such a curse. 

From my female gender and age to the color of my skin, outside traits overshadow whats within.

It doesn't matter if i kept out of trouble or if i donated to every charity, my chance of being accepted by certain social circles would be a rarity.

Even with all that stacked against me i refuse to be told what i cant do or what i can, because all the labels are stripped underneath we're all Americans.

What If

What if i never met him? How different would things be for me?

What if i never hurt the person who meant more than anything just trying to see if something else would make me happy?

What if i never gave in? Never fell for the handsome stranger?

Would my life have been better or would it have been filled with the same danger?

What if i was patient and let you love me the way you knew? 

Would there have been an us? Would it still be me and you? 

What if i gave you the chance to heal and become the man i saw you could be? Would things have worked out for us or would you go searching for someone better than me?

What if we never changed? What if we never fell apart? Would i still be the one you held close to your heart? 

Or would i still be someone you only saw as your best friend? That you'd never end up with, but would be there for until the end.

6 months later, in my head, so many "What If" questions dance. But the only one that matter is, what if we gave it another chance?

-Ash

Lately

Lately i dont know what's going on. Ive been getting rid of a lot of dead weight. People i used to want to be there forever now seem more like liabilities. Ive been less accommodating with things i used to put up with. Once i see someones purpose is to turn me into their doormat i show THEM the door. I might be wrong, but i feel like deserve ALOT better than some of what i accept. So i stopped accepting it. And When i tell you saying "No" feels good? It might be my new favorite word. People will take advantage of everything if you let them. ESPECIALLY your time and energy. So i gave stopped letting them. They may not be happy but i sure am. And nothing outside of my little one means more than that. Ive also become a bit more forgiving. Ive forgiven some people who've REALLY hurt me because not doing so only hurts me further. Some out loud, others silently but forgiven nonetheless. Even those i know will do it again. Not saying I've become mother Theresa and everyone is my friend, but i no longer have the time to hold grudges. People will ALWAYS fuck up. Myself included. But if others can understand that and forgive me, then i should be able to do the same. I understand that its a process. Not everything will happen overnight. But at the same time its up to me how long i allow things to negatively affect me. I mask how i feel very well to where some people wont even know something is wrong. But to those who actually know the real me, that mask doesn't fool them for a second. Im working on me to be able to not need a mask. Where i can show an emotion and it'll be one that i FEEL not just one i want people to see. Im nowhere close to where i want to be but i know i can get there. And if i can believe that honestly, as much as i doubt everything i do, then i know it can happen. Im a work in progress wont be finished anytime soon. But I'm ok with that because i know what i CAN and WILL be when I'm done.

Put Yourself In My Place

Put yourself in my place. From day one youve wanted nothing but to make someone else happy. Show someone that not everyone is the same. Make them understand that their past doesnt affect your future with them. When they're at a their lowest you try your best to bring them back up, even when you cant do it for yourself. Their bad days become a priority because you want to see them with a constant smile on their face even when you can find one to put on yours. Your first thought waking up and last one going to sleep is them. How they make you feel. How nothing else matters when they're around because their presence alone changes your mood. Just seeing their face, hearing their voice, even a picture of them brightens your whole day. People tell you that they see a glow around you and they've never seen you so happy given all you've dealt with past and present. You try to be there for them so they dont have to fight their demons alone even though you battle your own demons in silence everyday and you never complain. Now imagine they leave and come back and you notice something about them has changed. Their moods are less pleasant. They spend less time around you and always have an excuse as to why. They always seem to be in a rush to be somewhere, anywhere but with you. You think, maybe they're getting bored. You suggest things you guys could do together, simple things. But its always they're  either too busy or "not in the mood". Yet when it comes to anything that doesnt have to do with you suddenly their schedule magically frees up. They're constantly up late at night but as much as you try to be there for them they shut you out telling you that its a personal issue that only they can deal with. You tell them that they don't have to deal with it alone because they shouldn't have to and you'll always be there for them. That just seems to make them shut you out even further. Time passes and they're becoming a complete stranger and telling you that its all in your head. With more time you see them less because something more important is occupying their time. You start to notice things that don't sit right with you but when you bring it up, they tell you that its not what it seems to pacify you and make you feel as if you're crazy. You start to find things and even with physical evidence in their face they still look you in yours and show how little respect they have for you by looking you in the eye and lying to you. You get fed up. You become so consumed with anger that you cant stand to see their face and you tell them you want nothing else to do with them. But as always, you forgive them. Because as much as they hurt you you still love and care for them. You're hurting because of them but still cant stand to see them hurting. You leave, but something brings you back. You think, maybe we can work things out. Everything is out in the open right? So you thought. They decide to finally tell you the truth about why they've been so distant. Why they have time for everything but you. Why they shut you out when you wanted to be there for them. But its not because they felt it was the right thing to do. Its because all those nights they couldn't sleep, all those days they couldn't shake their bad mood were caused by their conscience eating away at them. So they think "well maybe i should tell you now because its bothering me too much". Not understanding that their admission is only for their piece of mind. It will only help them feel better and help them sleep at night. They don't understand that everything they've said and done just opens up old wounds as well as new ones. All their lies all the secrets all the games they've played with you. They hurt more because you trusted them. They let you believe lies because their selfishness rather have you in their life broken than happy without you. They either don't understand or don't care that all they're doing is hurting you to make themselves feel better again. They don't know WHAT they want. All that matters at the end of the day is them. And the sad thing is, you've become so attached that whether you stay or leave is going to tear you apart. You're hurting and broken and don't know what to do. You become a stranger to yourself as well as to everyone around you. You don't know what to do who to turn to until eventually you just shut down and become a shell of yourself. A zombie walking around hopeless and lost. After you've put yourself in my place, what do you do? Where do you go from here? By actually thinking about how your actions will affect someone else and not just thinking about yourself, what choice do you make?

Public Letter

   Dear Bomb Dick, 

Stop ruining my life.

Sincerely,

Women everywhere

Dear Superman

Yu remind me of superman .. Strong, powerful, reliable, but still very vulnerable and weak once your mind(kryptonite) gets ahold of yu .. Because yu know thats your weakness yu try not to let it get the best of yu and for the most part yu succeed(not overthinking)but just like the rest of us yu cant always avoid what weakens yu the most and that kryptonite leaves yu weak .. But even superman had to have someone that would come in and pull him away from his kryptonite and get him safely out of its reach even only for a little while .. Just like him, yu dont have to be so strong that yu do everything on your own .. Everyone needs someone or even ppl that care to want to make sure you're okay .. You're MY superman. And as long as yu let me, i'll always always be here for yu when are at your weakest and even when yu think yu have to be strong. I'll always be here and i'll always do everything in my power to pull yu back to safety. ❤️ Love yu.

Just Imagine

Close my eyes and imagine .. Now he’s here .. I feel safe, protected .. I drift off .. Wake up well rested .. Just the thought of him and im relaxed .. Stress melts away, body no longer taxed .. Funny how a simple memory can change my weather .. No greater happiness than when we’re together .. Until we meet again you’re in my heart, kept close .. Because i just cant shake the vision of him that i love most .....

-Ash

Too late

When yu had me .. Yu had me .. Nothing in this world or any other could take me from yu. No words no emotions nothing felt heard or seen could make me want to be anywhere but with yu .. But it seems that once you knew i'd never leave yu became complacent and subsequently started to push me away .. Like a fool i pushed back trying to figure out what i did wrong where we went wrong for things to change so swiftly .. Not understanding that it wasnt my doing but yours .. You requested a job you had no desire to fulfill yet played the part until yu got your benefits .. Once yu were content yu moved on leaving me here lost confused hurt and embarrassed as to what was really happening .. Night after night crying wonder why and how yu coul claim to care yet refuse to show it .. Kindness taken as a weakness yu used of me what yu could til i had nothing left . Til i was a shell of myself back into the depression that i had just left .. Yu carried on as if i was just imagining it all as my past caused false paranoia when in reality and actuality i couldnt have been more sure of everything that was happening .. Honesty is what we were built on at least in my eyes .. Until Yu looked me in my face telling bold faced lies .. When i needed yu most yu were nowhere to be found caught up with things that actually mattered in your world .. I was no longer one of those but looking back i never really was .. More like a convenience until i was an inconvenience .. The one who had once made me the happiest i'd ever been became the source of my anger and rage .. Not once did it matter though because that would involve yu caring or me even mattering to begin with none of which applied here .. Reached my breaking piint and broke to where it could never be fixed .. Once this was realized and only then did yu try to make an effort to make ammends but alas . Its too little too late .. That time had come and gone .. I know yu dont recognize the person yu see before yu because she's not the person you've come to know .. But i guess that makes us even .. Because the person yu turned out to be is a stranger to me just like i am to yu .. Yu tell me not to let my pride and ego burn bridges but understand a bridge burns from both ends. Your end was burnt the moment yu decided that yu knew what was best for me and that it wasnt the honesty i had so willingly given you. Yu say that ive become bitter but its only after ive given more than i could give to myself .. But thats life .. Yu win some you lose some .. Some lose more than others but i guess thats a risk we all have to take.

Addiction

I try to pull myself away .. Keep away from yu .. kill this yearning in my body .. I do it because i know .. I KNOW that if i dont i'll relapse .. Im addicted .. Every hug every kiss every soft spoken word .. Your touch that causes me to forget the world around me .. It gives my such a high that i dont wanna shake it for fear of losing the moment .. Nothing but bliss when im high on you .. But that crash? My God, that crash when reality comes barreling down and dirty laundry begins to stink makes me wish i never took that first hit .. The one that brought me to where i am now .. The one that gives me such horrible withdrawal when i try to stop .. Crying shaking begging for peace .. This addiction just keeps growing .. It whispers ever so sweetly in my ear "its okay, one more hit wont kill you" .. I pull away .. i try to fight it but the feeling you give me far outweighs everything else .. for now im defeated .. slowly i give in .. i mean, its only one little hit right? right. So i just take one hit .. But that one little hit turns into two nd two turn a full blown session .. before long here i am again .. strung out on you .. in a daze not in my right mind not thinking like me .. doing whatever this addiction wants ..  back where i started .. all that rehab for this? Hmph .. such a pity .. Can you see what you do to me? Just look at me .. still stuck .. More strung out .. And even deeper into my addiction to you ...

Bottom of the Bottle

At first the drinks were for recreation .. Shot here, cup there .. All in good fun .. Now theyre used to take away the pain but a couple drinks never seem to get the job done anymore .. So she puts the bottle to her head .. Quarter gone .. Try to relax .. think about why youre unhappy .. Think about who makes yu feel that way .. Pick it back up .. Half gone .. Now she's wondering where she's gone wrong .. What did she do to these people? Why did they claim to care so much but show it so little? .. Three quarters done .. She's drifting away .. She wonders if it would just be better for everyone if she just gave up .. Whats the point of fighting if you'll never win? Whats the point of trying over and over again? .. To her head again .. Its almost done .. She just wants all the problems to go away .. She just wants some kind of peace .. As she takes her final sips she feels herself fading .. She'll finally give everyone what they seem to want .. To not have to deal w such a burden anymore .. 19 .. 23 .. She'll just leave all her problems at the bottom of the bottle .. Because everything would be easier that way right? Give the people what the want .....

Broken Pieces

She's still laying there .. Shattered .. Torn .. Laying in a pile of a million broken pieces .. She debates if she even has it in her to fix them again .. Thats all she ever seems to be doing; putting back together her broken pieces because others dont understand the concept of "handle with care" .. No matter how much she expresses her fragile state, its just discarded with just about everything else she says .. She just doesnt understand .. While she lays there broken, everyone passes her by .. They see the mess but no one seems to care enough to help clean it up .. Even those who claim they'd there for these times especially are gone .. Even with them being the one who caused it you'd think they'd stay to help straighten things out .. But no .. Thats not how it is for her .. No matter how the mess is caused it always ends up her job to clean it up because somehow its still always going to be her fault .. There was one she could count on to be there but even they didnt want the job .. So now she has a choice .. She can either fix it herself and wait to be broken again, or she can stay broken and wait for the mess to be swept away, discarded and forgotten again .. And it sadly seems she's anticipating the latter ....

Lightning Storm

In my head is a lightning storm .. Thoughts and emotions crashing making flashes .. Such a flash that should illuminate my mind and create some clarity .. Instead it only shines on the turmoil and rage within me .. The happy thoughts hiding from the bigger, stronger angry ones .. Desperately trying to rally together to take back what was once theirs .. But instead they cower in fear .. Not fully understanding their strength they sneak in the shadows hoping not to be seen lest they're overpowered and turned into something they never want to be .. Dreaming of the day when they once again can find their power .. Their voices .. Dreaming of they day they can calm the lightning storm .. Calm the storm and bring back the clear skies for a  clear mind .. One day ......

With Liberty And Justice For All? .. Nah.

Welcome to America. Here we preach about holding certain morals and values dear, but only when its convenient. Here all men are created equal. LOL, just kidding. If you're a different skin color, ethnicity, gender, or religion, you are in NO WAY equal. Here in America, we let you vote but your votes don't really count. Why? Because we, your government know what is better for you than you do. We'll charge you an arm and both legs for healthcare that may or may not cover all your ailments and needs. We'll let you go to school, but only if you let us drown you in student loan debt. We are the land of the "free to disregard the law" and the home of the "brave enough to lie about such disregard blatantly". You are at no time safe and neither are your children. We dictate what women can and cannot do to their bodies as well as dictate who can and cannot marry no matter how in love they are or how long they've been together. Animals have more rights and protection than most of our human population. So welcome. Come on in. Don't try to better yourself here though. We don't like it. Unless you're an Anglo male. Then by all means; BE GREAT.

-America 

I Apologize

I apologize. I apologize if i haven't been the best friend, lover, sister, mother, and daughter. If i haven't always been there when i said i would. If i said i wouldn't change. If i made promises i didn't keep. If i let yu down. If i hurt yu whether it was intentional or not. I know now all my actions weren't correct. No matter good my intentions may have been at the time. Ive made mistakes. Ive lied. Ive played games. Ive hurt those with no intention to do the same to me with no explanation as to why. Ive messed up. Ive lost ppl who i held dear over foolish pride and they've rightfully shut me out. Ive turned my back when i felt backs were turned on me although that may or may not be the case. But i come now just hoping to move on past all that. To get back to where things should be. Not saying they'll be where i WANT them to be, but no longer in a place based on hurt. So if  you're listening .... If yu still even care .... From the bottom of my heart, i apologize.

Unfinished

Her Lack of rationality, paired with mental brutality; gave her away to tha wrong people nd it ended in an emotional fatality .. So caught up in living a fairytale, she lost her grip on reality; now she can't seem to find her back to normality .. 

Unanswered Questions

Who do yu turn to when tha reason yu once couldn't contain your smile becomes tha reason yu cant contain your tears?
What do yu do when your heart is breaking?
Where do yu go for solace when tha shoulder you've grown used to crying on turns cold?
When do yu just cut your losses before yu wind up losing yourself?
Why does it always seem to have to come to this?
How do yu cope when yu dont know how to mend whats been been damaged?
I guess its time to just let go and hope for tha best.....

Writings on the Walls

Touch me with your words, caress me with your thoughts .. I wanna feel every image in your mind .. Tease me with your knowledge, yu know how i love the thrill .. Your vocabulary so profound it just gives me chills .. With your hands as the pen and my body as your pad, make me feel your every expression .. From dusk til dawn .. I just hope that yu dont
Ever
Run
Out
Of
Things
To
Say ......