It's Not Always About You

A lot of people are selfish without even knowing. Especially when it comes to the struggles of others. Take the "friends and family" of suicidal and depressed people. These people are struggling to even make it through the day. Constantly told how sad someone would be or how disappointed if they took they their life. What others around them fail to understand is that its not about how YOU would feel if they were gone, but how they feel and have been feel ing why they see death as their only resort. These people fight countless demons daily and some day are harder than others. They don't pull away and seclude themselves for attention, they do it so they can focus on themselves and quiet the thoughts tormenting them. So for you to tell them that they "cant" do what they need to do because YOU need is really just you saying that what THEY need for peace within themselves is far less important that what you want for your selfish sense of peace. Sure, you may feel like you've lost them, but at the same time, they've gained something they just couldn't feel while they were alive; a sense of relief. And before you even start, you can miss me with whole "if you commit suicide you're going to hell" bullshit. All that is is more guilt trip tactics to keep people here for the benefit of others against their will. Maybe suicide isn't the answer for EVER problem but for most people it was a last resort, not the first. They exhausted all their other "options" and felt there was nothing else they could possibly do. Sometimes counseling isn't enough. Talking to friends or family isn't enough. Medication isn't enough. Sometimes NOTHING at all feels like enough and they don't think there's anything else they can do. But to guilt them into feeling worse than they already do because YOU Cant handle losing them is the most self centered shit you can do. Im not saying act like you dont care because "they're just gonna do it anyway"; I'm actually saying the opposite. SHOW them That you care and you'll be there for them until the end no matter when it comes. Suicidal or not it still feels good to KNOW the people who say they care actually do care. I'm not saying this as someone who feels they know everything about everything, but as someone who's deals w depression and has been suicidal before, i'm only speaking from my point of view. 

He Could Have Been You

He could have been you. Profiled for things you cant control. Harassed and attacked because your skin color differs from that of your attacker. Bleeding out in the street for hours with no one to help after you'd been shot like a wild animal. Your killer being protected; shielded and awarded for taking an innocent life. Your mother and father grieving because your life was unfairly taken. Your friends and family being terrorized for demanding justice for you. Your name being dragged through the mud as a violent criminal as you laid on a medical examiners table not given a judge or a jury but an execution. You could be the young man who would never get to graduate college. Never get to build a family of your own. Never get to live out your purpose because those sworn to protect and serve would rather commit crimes against and hide instead of apologizing for their wrongs and trying to do right. You could have been the one to have your life ended before it even began. And now tell me: would you want the same thing done to you? Would you want people across your country to degrade your life and justify your death? Would you want the city you grew up in to be turned into a war zone? Your local and state police to fire tear gas and bullets on your friends family and strangers who came together peacefully to protest the loss of your uncompleted life? Arrested because they want police to do the right thing and turn in the man who unjustly murdered you in cold blood? Or would you want the right thing done? For justice to be served and your murderer to have his day in court? For all those peaceful protests and rallies to not have been in vain? Think carefully. Because he just as easily could have been you.

Curtain Call

Her mask is fading .. The one she used to hide a broken heart, broken spirit, a broken life .. 

Her will is waning .. She feels she'd be better off if she just stopped being so strong ..

On her the little girl is depends .. But she feels is has to end .. So she can give her the type of life that she deserves .. 

Its not like she didn't try to live a normal life .. But it cut her like a knife .. When those she trusted enough to let in, just walked in and right back out ..

For years she tried to keep it together .. But she knew she couldn't go on forever .. So many broken pieces she no longer had the strength to mend ..

 Multiple painkillers to ease the hurt .. Alcohol to quell the pain .. Sleeping pill and muscle relaxers; she watched it all go down the drain .. And she couldn't care ..

The only thing that kept her going this long couldn't keep her anymore .. Tired of having to be so strong .. Soon she'll be gone ..... 

When Cymbalta Cant Help

 Depression is tiring as fuck. You literally want to do nothing but stay in bed all day and sleep because you feel being awake sucks so badly. You wont wanna eat be social or even go outside. The façade you were able to put on for so long that you're "ok" now shows itself faulty. You pull away from everything you care about. Things you once cared about no longer matter. Nothing seems to matter. Its not just a few minutes or even days. No, this feeling lasts months. Years even. It may not seem like its there to others because some days you can fake it. Some days you can smile. And no one will know that inside all off you is falling apart. Its not just in your mind either. Nope. You feel it in your body. You ache. You're sore. You feel like you have no outlet. You're tired for no reason and when you're awake you cry until you fall back asleep. You'll ask why you then wonder why you're asking as if anyone is even listening or cares. You feel no one does. You sink deeper into yourself. Everything you try to keep to yourself starts to show on the outside. Your skin gets bad. You hair falls out. You lose weight faster than any diet imaginable. Your "friends" fade because they feel you're flaking on them when in reality you dont know how to explain whats going on. Your family whispers amongst themselves how you're "just acting out for attention" not stopping to think that if they paid more attention to their interactions with you they might understand you better. People you care for start to drift away because they "cant deal". Pretty much the time when you need someone to be there for you the most, everyone's gone. So you sink. You retract within yourself til theres only a shell of what used to be. You pull so deep inside that its possible nothing can pull you out. Darkness and lonliness becomes your friend because at the end of your tunnel nothing is there to help you see a light. 

Mind Games

Touch me without lifting a finger ..

Seduce my mind and make me crave you without having ever felt a single caress .. 

Let just the thought of you be enough to drive me insane ..

I want to feel you in my thoughts; fill my memory with you ..

Leave me breathless .. Restless .. 

Distraught at the thought of your absence from my presence ..

And when i finally do feel you .. I want to release the passion and emotion that has built up ..  

I have waited ever so patiently to immerse you in all that i have had bottled up.. Simmering silently.. Marinating .. Waiting to physically manifest your mental stimulation .....

Help Me To Trust You

Help me to trust you. Help me to realize that when you show me you care its not to use it against me later on, but to let me know that not everyone is out to use me. Help me to stop hoping you'll mess up so my mental self-sabotaging will be justified. Help me to understand not everyone has an ulterior motive. Help me to allow you to continue to make me happy without me getting in my own way. Im scared. Skittish. The thought of caring again terrifies me. Help me overcome that fear. Help me get out of my head because thats where all my doubts are. The lightning storm is raging in there just help me to calm my mind. Help me to not overthink your actions just because the last time i didn't overthink things went wrong. Help me to become the person i want to be for you. The person you need me to be for you. Someone you can depend on to be there for you and make things better on those days when things just wont go right. Someone who'll always have your back and be your biggest cheerleader. Someone who trusts you. Im trying not to hold other peoples mistakes against you because what they've done shouldn't affect you. Im trying to give you a fair chance its just my judgement is a little cloudy. I may not be doing the best job at the moment but I'm making a conscious effort because i think you deserve it. I just need you to help me.

-Ash

A Fair First Chance

Life is so much easier once you move your pride out of the way. Its really just a blinder to keep you from seeing what you COULD have if you just let go. Accept the fact that just maybe somebody might want to be there for you. Let them. Give them the chance to show you what their intentions are instead of wrongly assigning intentions to them. Give people the opportunity to care for and about you. It may be a new concept. It might just scare the hell out of you because its never been done before. Doesn't matter. Let them help you put your guard down. Let them be there when you're stressing. Let them show you that you matter and they want you to be happy. Let them make you happy! Stop letting YOU stop you from being happy. I mean, whats is so wrong with someones actions and words finally adding up? You really about to let your past disappointments and upsets disrupt the connection they're trying to build with you? Instead of stressing over what happened the last time you gave someone a second chance, how about you let someone who's trying to be there for YOU flourish with their first?

It's Possible

They say that whats meant to be is supposed to be

But what if it just isn't meant to be for me?

What if its not meant to be something more?

What if its meant to stay behind that door?

Isn't it possible that we could have this thing all wrong?

Couldn't it be true that what we want WASNT here all along?

Why does it seem like there's not even a tiny chance

That things aren't supposed to go any further than where they stand?

Maybe where we are now is as far as it should go

Maybe all we know now is all we're supposed to know

We might actually be at the end of the line

But then again maybe I'm just overusing my mind....

Labeled

In a country so rich in history and so culturally diverse, its sad that the things i can't control seem like such a curse. 

From my female gender and age to the color of my skin, outside traits overshadow whats within.

It doesn't matter if i kept out of trouble or if i donated to every charity, my chance of being accepted by certain social circles would be a rarity.

Even with all that stacked against me i refuse to be told what i cant do or what i can, because all the labels are stripped underneath we're all Americans.

What If

What if i never met him? How different would things be for me?

What if i never hurt the person who meant more than anything just trying to see if something else would make me happy?

What if i never gave in? Never fell for the handsome stranger?

Would my life have been better or would it have been filled with the same danger?

What if i was patient and let you love me the way you knew? 

Would there have been an us? Would it still be me and you? 

What if i gave you the chance to heal and become the man i saw you could be? Would things have worked out for us or would you go searching for someone better than me?

What if we never changed? What if we never fell apart? Would i still be the one you held close to your heart? 

Or would i still be someone you only saw as your best friend? That you'd never end up with, but would be there for until the end.

6 months later, in my head, so many "What If" questions dance. But the only one that matter is, what if we gave it another chance?

-Ash

Lately

Lately i dont know what's going on. Ive been getting rid of a lot of dead weight. People i used to want to be there forever now seem more like liabilities. Ive been less accommodating with things i used to put up with. Once i see someones purpose is to turn me into their doormat i show THEM the door. I might be wrong, but i feel like deserve ALOT better than some of what i accept. So i stopped accepting it. And When i tell you saying "No" feels good? It might be my new favorite word. People will take advantage of everything if you let them. ESPECIALLY your time and energy. So i gave stopped letting them. They may not be happy but i sure am. And nothing outside of my little one means more than that. Ive also become a bit more forgiving. Ive forgiven some people who've REALLY hurt me because not doing so only hurts me further. Some out loud, others silently but forgiven nonetheless. Even those i know will do it again. Not saying I've become mother Theresa and everyone is my friend, but i no longer have the time to hold grudges. People will ALWAYS fuck up. Myself included. But if others can understand that and forgive me, then i should be able to do the same. I understand that its a process. Not everything will happen overnight. But at the same time its up to me how long i allow things to negatively affect me. I mask how i feel very well to where some people wont even know something is wrong. But to those who actually know the real me, that mask doesn't fool them for a second. Im working on me to be able to not need a mask. Where i can show an emotion and it'll be one that i FEEL not just one i want people to see. Im nowhere close to where i want to be but i know i can get there. And if i can believe that honestly, as much as i doubt everything i do, then i know it can happen. Im a work in progress wont be finished anytime soon. But I'm ok with that because i know what i CAN and WILL be when I'm done.

Put Yourself In My Place

Put yourself in my place. From day one youve wanted nothing but to make someone else happy. Show someone that not everyone is the same. Make them understand that their past doesnt affect your future with them. When they're at a their lowest you try your best to bring them back up, even when you cant do it for yourself. Their bad days become a priority because you want to see them with a constant smile on their face even when you can find one to put on yours. Your first thought waking up and last one going to sleep is them. How they make you feel. How nothing else matters when they're around because their presence alone changes your mood. Just seeing their face, hearing their voice, even a picture of them brightens your whole day. People tell you that they see a glow around you and they've never seen you so happy given all you've dealt with past and present. You try to be there for them so they dont have to fight their demons alone even though you battle your own demons in silence everyday and you never complain. Now imagine they leave and come back and you notice something about them has changed. Their moods are less pleasant. They spend less time around you and always have an excuse as to why. They always seem to be in a rush to be somewhere, anywhere but with you. You think, maybe they're getting bored. You suggest things you guys could do together, simple things. But its always they're  either too busy or "not in the mood". Yet when it comes to anything that doesnt have to do with you suddenly their schedule magically frees up. They're constantly up late at night but as much as you try to be there for them they shut you out telling you that its a personal issue that only they can deal with. You tell them that they don't have to deal with it alone because they shouldn't have to and you'll always be there for them. That just seems to make them shut you out even further. Time passes and they're becoming a complete stranger and telling you that its all in your head. With more time you see them less because something more important is occupying their time. You start to notice things that don't sit right with you but when you bring it up, they tell you that its not what it seems to pacify you and make you feel as if you're crazy. You start to find things and even with physical evidence in their face they still look you in yours and show how little respect they have for you by looking you in the eye and lying to you. You get fed up. You become so consumed with anger that you cant stand to see their face and you tell them you want nothing else to do with them. But as always, you forgive them. Because as much as they hurt you you still love and care for them. You're hurting because of them but still cant stand to see them hurting. You leave, but something brings you back. You think, maybe we can work things out. Everything is out in the open right? So you thought. They decide to finally tell you the truth about why they've been so distant. Why they have time for everything but you. Why they shut you out when you wanted to be there for them. But its not because they felt it was the right thing to do. Its because all those nights they couldn't sleep, all those days they couldn't shake their bad mood were caused by their conscience eating away at them. So they think "well maybe i should tell you now because its bothering me too much". Not understanding that their admission is only for their piece of mind. It will only help them feel better and help them sleep at night. They don't understand that everything they've said and done just opens up old wounds as well as new ones. All their lies all the secrets all the games they've played with you. They hurt more because you trusted them. They let you believe lies because their selfishness rather have you in their life broken than happy without you. They either don't understand or don't care that all they're doing is hurting you to make themselves feel better again. They don't know WHAT they want. All that matters at the end of the day is them. And the sad thing is, you've become so attached that whether you stay or leave is going to tear you apart. You're hurting and broken and don't know what to do. You become a stranger to yourself as well as to everyone around you. You don't know what to do who to turn to until eventually you just shut down and become a shell of yourself. A zombie walking around hopeless and lost. After you've put yourself in my place, what do you do? Where do you go from here? By actually thinking about how your actions will affect someone else and not just thinking about yourself, what choice do you make?

Public Letter

   Dear Bomb Dick, 

Stop ruining my life.

Sincerely,

Women everywhere

Dear Superman

Yu remind me of superman .. Strong, powerful, reliable, but still very vulnerable and weak once your mind(kryptonite) gets ahold of yu .. Because yu know thats your weakness yu try not to let it get the best of yu and for the most part yu succeed(not overthinking)but just like the rest of us yu cant always avoid what weakens yu the most and that kryptonite leaves yu weak .. But even superman had to have someone that would come in and pull him away from his kryptonite and get him safely out of its reach even only for a little while .. Just like him, yu dont have to be so strong that yu do everything on your own .. Everyone needs someone or even ppl that care to want to make sure you're okay .. You're MY superman. And as long as yu let me, i'll always always be here for yu when are at your weakest and even when yu think yu have to be strong. I'll always be here and i'll always do everything in my power to pull yu back to safety. ❤️ Love yu.

Just Imagine

Close my eyes and imagine .. Now he’s here .. I feel safe, protected .. I drift off .. Wake up well rested .. Just the thought of him and im relaxed .. Stress melts away, body no longer taxed .. Funny how a simple memory can change my weather .. No greater happiness than when we’re together .. Until we meet again you’re in my heart, kept close .. Because i just cant shake the vision of him that i love most .....

-Ash

Too late

When yu had me .. Yu had me .. Nothing in this world or any other could take me from yu. No words no emotions nothing felt heard or seen could make me want to be anywhere but with yu .. But it seems that once you knew i'd never leave yu became complacent and subsequently started to push me away .. Like a fool i pushed back trying to figure out what i did wrong where we went wrong for things to change so swiftly .. Not understanding that it wasnt my doing but yours .. You requested a job you had no desire to fulfill yet played the part until yu got your benefits .. Once yu were content yu moved on leaving me here lost confused hurt and embarrassed as to what was really happening .. Night after night crying wonder why and how yu coul claim to care yet refuse to show it .. Kindness taken as a weakness yu used of me what yu could til i had nothing left . Til i was a shell of myself back into the depression that i had just left .. Yu carried on as if i was just imagining it all as my past caused false paranoia when in reality and actuality i couldnt have been more sure of everything that was happening .. Honesty is what we were built on at least in my eyes .. Until Yu looked me in my face telling bold faced lies .. When i needed yu most yu were nowhere to be found caught up with things that actually mattered in your world .. I was no longer one of those but looking back i never really was .. More like a convenience until i was an inconvenience .. The one who had once made me the happiest i'd ever been became the source of my anger and rage .. Not once did it matter though because that would involve yu caring or me even mattering to begin with none of which applied here .. Reached my breaking piint and broke to where it could never be fixed .. Once this was realized and only then did yu try to make an effort to make ammends but alas . Its too little too late .. That time had come and gone .. I know yu dont recognize the person yu see before yu because she's not the person you've come to know .. But i guess that makes us even .. Because the person yu turned out to be is a stranger to me just like i am to yu .. Yu tell me not to let my pride and ego burn bridges but understand a bridge burns from both ends. Your end was burnt the moment yu decided that yu knew what was best for me and that it wasnt the honesty i had so willingly given you. Yu say that ive become bitter but its only after ive given more than i could give to myself .. But thats life .. Yu win some you lose some .. Some lose more than others but i guess thats a risk we all have to take.

Addiction

I try to pull myself away .. Keep away from yu .. kill this yearning in my body .. I do it because i know .. I KNOW that if i dont i'll relapse .. Im addicted .. Every hug every kiss every soft spoken word .. Your touch that causes me to forget the world around me .. It gives my such a high that i dont wanna shake it for fear of losing the moment .. Nothing but bliss when im high on you .. But that crash? My God, that crash when reality comes barreling down and dirty laundry begins to stink makes me wish i never took that first hit .. The one that brought me to where i am now .. The one that gives me such horrible withdrawal when i try to stop .. Crying shaking begging for peace .. This addiction just keeps growing .. It whispers ever so sweetly in my ear "its okay, one more hit wont kill you" .. I pull away .. i try to fight it but the feeling you give me far outweighs everything else .. for now im defeated .. slowly i give in .. i mean, its only one little hit right? right. So i just take one hit .. But that one little hit turns into two nd two turn a full blown session .. before long here i am again .. strung out on you .. in a daze not in my right mind not thinking like me .. doing whatever this addiction wants ..  back where i started .. all that rehab for this? Hmph .. such a pity .. Can you see what you do to me? Just look at me .. still stuck .. More strung out .. And even deeper into my addiction to you ...

Bottom of the Bottle

At first the drinks were for recreation .. Shot here, cup there .. All in good fun .. Now theyre used to take away the pain but a couple drinks never seem to get the job done anymore .. So she puts the bottle to her head .. Quarter gone .. Try to relax .. think about why youre unhappy .. Think about who makes yu feel that way .. Pick it back up .. Half gone .. Now she's wondering where she's gone wrong .. What did she do to these people? Why did they claim to care so much but show it so little? .. Three quarters done .. She's drifting away .. She wonders if it would just be better for everyone if she just gave up .. Whats the point of fighting if you'll never win? Whats the point of trying over and over again? .. To her head again .. Its almost done .. She just wants all the problems to go away .. She just wants some kind of peace .. As she takes her final sips she feels herself fading .. She'll finally give everyone what they seem to want .. To not have to deal w such a burden anymore .. 19 .. 23 .. She'll just leave all her problems at the bottom of the bottle .. Because everything would be easier that way right? Give the people what the want .....

Broken Pieces

She's still laying there .. Shattered .. Torn .. Laying in a pile of a million broken pieces .. She debates if she even has it in her to fix them again .. Thats all she ever seems to be doing; putting back together her broken pieces because others dont understand the concept of "handle with care" .. No matter how much she expresses her fragile state, its just discarded with just about everything else she says .. She just doesnt understand .. While she lays there broken, everyone passes her by .. They see the mess but no one seems to care enough to help clean it up .. Even those who claim they'd there for these times especially are gone .. Even with them being the one who caused it you'd think they'd stay to help straighten things out .. But no .. Thats not how it is for her .. No matter how the mess is caused it always ends up her job to clean it up because somehow its still always going to be her fault .. There was one she could count on to be there but even they didnt want the job .. So now she has a choice .. She can either fix it herself and wait to be broken again, or she can stay broken and wait for the mess to be swept away, discarded and forgotten again .. And it sadly seems she's anticipating the latter ....

Lightning Storm

In my head is a lightning storm .. Thoughts and emotions crashing making flashes .. Such a flash that should illuminate my mind and create some clarity .. Instead it only shines on the turmoil and rage within me .. The happy thoughts hiding from the bigger, stronger angry ones .. Desperately trying to rally together to take back what was once theirs .. But instead they cower in fear .. Not fully understanding their strength they sneak in the shadows hoping not to be seen lest they're overpowered and turned into something they never want to be .. Dreaming of the day when they once again can find their power .. Their voices .. Dreaming of they day they can calm the lightning storm .. Calm the storm and bring back the clear skies for a  clear mind .. One day ......